I need a fix

My Remicade infusion is just over a week away, and I want to die!! I started Remicade April of '08. It's the last ditch effort. Right after my colonoscopy was over, the dr. had the nurse start my first Remicade infusion. He said "you are so sick, I can't send you home w/out starting now." It has helped to the point of I wouldn't NOT get it. As far as being my saving grace...no. I was scheduled for a total colectomy last July when we found out I was going to deliver something other than a colon. So now that my sweet little baby is here, it's looking like early part of next year to deliver Lucifer. That's what I call "the colon"

I get the highest dose, as often as they'll let me. They've even tipped over the highest dose to give me 11 vials every 6 weeks. It takes a good week to kick in, and is gone at least a week before. I still RUN to the bathroom constantly, and don't dare go anywhere because of the urge. On a positive note i've gone from blood, mucus, 15-20 times a day to 8-10 not much blood, and no mucus. When the Remicade is actively working in those 4 weeks.

Ya know, I think I could live with going to the bathroom all the time, but the urgency is too much. Nothing sucks worse than getting up at 3 am to make a screaming baby a bottle, and shitting yourself. Luckily my fan-freakin'tastic husband was there to take over.